Single Men: Love Your Wives (Video Post)

It's Valentine's week. It's a time when many couples take that extra effort to express their love for one another. In recent years, it has also (perhaps jokingly) become a time for "Singles' Awareness." I believe, though, that we as singles need more than just "awareness." We need a lifestyle of commitment.

In Not Just a Teen's first ever video-post, we'll discuss how we men can love our wives even while we're single:

What other ways can we single men "love our wives"? How can single women "love their husbands"? Share your thoughts in the comment section!

The Myth of Modesty

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The topic of modesty has caused unimaginable division, especially within the Church. The reason is clear: we’ve focused so much on how women dress that we’ve lost touch with the heart of God. Sure, sometimes we’ll throw in the male side of the discussion, but our attention still isn’t in the right place.

The problem is that the outward appearance is such a tiny portion of modesty that it’s no wonder why we’ve gotten things so wrong!

I have yet to read a description of modesty that explains it as it really is (not that one doesn’t exist; I simply haven’t found it). So what I’d like to do is try to paint for you the whole picture of modesty and destroy the myths that have caused such ungodly division.

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The Relationship Series: Now What?

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We’ve arrived at the sixth and final post of The Relationship Series. Over the course of this series, we’ve talked about a number of not-so-popular relationship topics. We’ve discovered the purpose of marriage and our roles as husbands and wives in it, we’ve discussed courtship with its purpose and application, and we’ve uncovered the real meaning of purity.

As I mentioned in the previous part in this series, though, many of us have years to go before we’ll marry or even begin some sort of relationship. So in reading these posts, you may find yourself asking this question:

“Now what?”

“What can I do now to prepare for marriage?” ­­We began to answer this question in Part 5 by talking about purity. We found out that purity is much more than simply “not crossing the line,” but is really a pursuit of Christ. This, of course, is the most important aspect of preparing for marriage. How can we expect to please God in our relationships if we aren’t pleasing Him in our individual lives? Therefore, chasing after Christ and His holiness is the most essential part of becoming ready for marriage.

In addition to following the Lord in purity, there are a number of specific things we can do to prepare ourselves for being godly husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers.

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The Relationship Series: The Heart of the Matter

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Throughout this six-part series on relationships, we’ve discussed marriage and courtship, each with their own purposes and meanings. In short, we’ve covered the “relationship” part of The Relationship Series. But chances are that most of us aren’t married or even ready to court.  Does that mean we're off the hook? Hardly.

So what do we do before we’re ready for a relationship? The answer is simple: get ready.

Too many of us arrive at adulthood and suddenly come to the realization, “Oh no! I’m not prepared for marriage!” Worse yet, we use our unpreparedness as an excuse to pursue petty, commitment-less relationships. We seem to have this idea that one day we’ll wake up suddenly ready for marriage, but that’s simply not going to happen. We need to get ready.

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The Relationship Series: The "How" of Courtship

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Through The Relationship Series, we’ve discovered some of the less-often discussed parts of relationships. We’ve talked about purposes of marriage that are not so commonly learned (Part 1), roles of husbands and wives that far too few people understand (Part 2), and a form of dating that is entirely counter-norm (Part 3).

This post is no different. In the last post, we began to talk about the “Why?” of courtship. Now, let’s look at the “How.”

Honestly, there’s no black and white handbook for courtship. There’s no formula or set of rules. Even so, there are several key aspects of courtship that make it distinctly different from dating. Let’s explore each one and discover why they’re important.

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Oh Noes! Not a Valentine's Day Post!

     As is most apparent by now, Valentine's Day is just about upon us.  Usually viewed as a romantic holiday for couples, what can Valentine's Day offer to those of us who are single?  Does God have a lesson for us to learn about relationships, even before we engage in one?  Yes.  There are many topics that could be shared about relationships to a single person.  In fact, I had trouble just narrowing down what topic I wanted to post!  So what do we need to learn before we engage in a relationship?  You guessed it... purity.  

     Now before you close the page on me, this isn't a post about a list do's and don't's, telling you what's too far and what's not, or even how or when you should go about finding a relationship.  This is so much more than any of those things.  Purity is something we don't just carry with us outside of a relationship; it's something we take with us our entire lives.

     Before we go any further, though, let me tell you what purity is not.  Purity is not a boundary or a "do not cross" line.  It's not simply physical, and it's most certainly not something we can brush to the side.  What is purity then?  The best way to view purity is as a direction.  We walk in purity, not around it, not across it, and definitely not over it.  Purity is not allowing lust to get in the way of our pursuit of God.  We walk toward God, not swaying to the right or the left, and not getting sidetracked by that guy or that girl we might like.  This is the direction of purity. 

     So now that we know a little more about what purity is, how do we, as guys and girls, walk in it?  Let me start by outlining what our responsibilities as guys are.  To know how we can best walk in purity involves knowing how those of the opposite sex are wired.  In his book, Sex is not the Problem (Lust is), Joshua Harris outlines this: "Their [a girl's] desire is often rooted in emotional longings.  They're stimulated by touch.  They're excited by being pursued."  So how can we interact with those of the opposite sex purely?  We stay away from doing what would distract a girl's attention from God and protect her from those who do!  Now be careful with the last part of that statement.  I'm not saying we should try to control someone's choices.  But as those who are trying to follow God and live in purity, if a brother in Christ is acting flirtatiously with a sister in Christ, being accountable to each other as Christians (1 Corinthians 5:11-13), we can politely advise him to stop.  We know the world will not protect a girl's physical, emotional, or spiritual purity, so we as Christians must protect our sisters from those who are simply out for the chase.

    For the Christian girls, you have some responsibility here too.  How can you walk in purity?  One important way is to not be someone who encourages her brothers in Christ to chase after her.  Not every guy knows their responsibilities in purity, not everyone has read Joshua Harris's book, and certainly not everyone has read this post, so you can't expect everyone to act in a godly way.  Whether you realize it or not, the way you dress, speak, and act can all have a humongous effect on a guy's heart.  So don't be the girl who provokes others to pursue her.  As Joshua Harris's wife Shannon says, "There's a big difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract."  This goes for the way you act too.  What is truly attractive to a godly man is a girl's character and not her appearance or flirtatious behavior.  

     This has been a pretty long post, but I hope that it reminds you to always pursue purity by first pursuing God, and keeping your brothers' and sisters' purity in mind with how you act.  For us singles on this couple-centered day called Valentine's Day, remember that God has someone saved for you.  You have to save yourself for them.  Until then, God is asking us, "Will you 'be Mine'?"

Those who were Different: A Lesson from Hershey Park

     For those who don't realize just how important modesty is in our generation, please read this story from my own life:

     Like many high-school students, I enjoy a good day at an amusement park - just about anyone would.  This time I was with my friend Thomas, riding roller coasters and having a great time at Hershey Park.  Being invited to go along with Thomas and his family on their annual trip, I was thrilled!  As you might imagine, it's not all the time that I get to go to Hershey Park.  At nearly the exact moment we arrived at the park, Thomas and I darted for the nearest coaster.  Amid the excitement and the thrill, though, there was something that began to tear at me.  No, it wasn't the fact that I lost in Chess against his little brother on the way up (he cheated, of course).  It was something all around me.  But it wasn't hiding away in the shadows.  It wasn't even subtle.  It was the clothes girls wore.  I know, I know, I should have seen it coming.  It's summer.  It's an amusement park.  It's our secular culture, for goodness' sake!  For some reason, though, it hit me differently this time.  Anywhere I looked, I was bombarded with it.  What really bothered me wasn't as much what they were wearing, however, but how they were wearing it.  Scattered throughout the entire park, students were wearing their school's t-shirts.  What could be wrong with that?!  But left and right, girls had somehow found a way to get around a standard dress code.  Whether it be rolled up or even cut apart, they simply didn't want to conceal themselves.  How could people dress this way?!, I thought.  What are they trying to gain?  They're just going to reveal themselves to everyone?!  It was almost impossible to look anywhere without finding this kind of dress smack dab in front of you.

     This was just the beginning of the day.  Don't get me wrong, I still got to have some fun riding the coasters.  Between trying to keep the "Hershey's Milk Chocolate" song out of our heads and screaming our heads off at each ride, we had a blast!  Somehow, though, the immodesty around me kept grinding at my heart.  Like many things the devil throws at us, the constant need to guard my eyes - along with the disgust at how my generation dressed - wore me down.

     So there I was, standing in line for Storm Runner for the third or fourth time in a row, wondering how many more times we could get in the second row before everybody else realized it was the shortest line.  I was tired - not just from the long day but from the sickening immodesty of my generation.  Just as I was about to doze off in line, however, Thomas nudged me.  "Now those are two respectable young ladies," he proclaimed.  And that they were.  Among everyone else, these two girls had chosen to wear long skirts and regular t-shirts, one of which said "Purity is in."  These two young ladies stood out - not because of immodesty, but because of the modesty that they portrayed.  At that moment, I was immensely grateful that God had placed those two girls at that park to remind me just how appreciative I should be of a girl's modesty.  I was so thankful, in fact, that I almost walked over to the girls and thanked them myself.  Looking back, I should have.  Sometimes I don't think girls realize just how important their modesty can be to us guys.

     Of course, it's our job as guys to guard our eyes.  There will always be girls out there who don't portray the modesty that God intends.  But when someone does, we should be grateful of that effort of purity.  And for those of you girls who pursue modesty, let me be the first to say... Thank you.

Apples to Oranges

     With our changing culture, it seems that the roles of women and men are getting blended together like a fruit smoothie.  Years ago men would show women respect in any way possible; it was normal.  Nowadays we've seemed to have stopped giving that respect.  Have we simply grown out of those things?  Is honor to women still necessary in this fruit-smoothie culture?  That's what this week's topic is about:

"A real man is a gentleman. He is polite and shows women honor in everyday things such as opening doors, etc."

"A real woman is not offended by respect shown her through gentlemanly courtesies (opening doors, etc.) but cultivates the differences between the sexes that make her worthy of this deference."

     Well that sure answers the previous question.  What a clincher.  It shows us right in the Bible that men have a role to honor women.  1 Peter 3:7 portrays exactly what we as men should be doing: "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."  

     Men and women have separate roles given to us in scripture.  Women, according to the Bible, are to be submissive to their husbands.  Men, in return, show their wives the honor and respect that they deserve.  This respect, even outside of marriage, can be shown in simple things such as opening doors, helping to carry something, and others; the kind of stuff we as men were made to do!  Despite whether or not our culture says it's appropriate, we should give women the respect that they are given through the Bible.  This honor, however, is not simply action alone.  This is an attitude of service.  It's where Luke 6:31 comes in, except centered around the weaker vessel (as 1 Peter 3:7 puts it).  

     You too, women, have a role to play in this topic.  Nothing tramps the respect shown to a woman like her taking it the wrong way.  The honor meant for the woman in the Bible was put in place for your good.  You shouldn't be offended by the honor shown to you (unless, of course, it's done in a flirtatious manner).  The second part of this point is also important: "[A real woman] cultivates the differences between the sexes that make her worthy of this deference."  Cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit is what makes a woman deserving of gentlemanly courtesies (see 1 Peter 3:3-4).  Proverbs 11:16 says, "A gracious woman gets honor".  It's as simple as that.  

     As you can see, the Bible sets up the general relationship that men and women should have.  Following these roles, however, is what our culture seems to struggle with.  The order God placed over mankind is superior to any that we can imagine, which is why we should step up to the responsibilities of which we were given.  Otherwise we'll just end up with a really nasty fruit smoothie.